sun.day

so i got a vicious, invincible thorn in my heel yesterday, and i thought, well, it'll work itself out. and it didn't. it only lodged itself deeper into the epicenter of my foot until walking was barely optional. lizard (liz - best friend) was over after our first ever pb & jelly jam (more on that in a mo') and i considered letting her have a go at pushing the thorn out. see here's the skinny, i'm someone who does things myself, it's not easy to let someone do something like this for me. i don't like trusting someone else when inflicting pain and solving problems regarding body are involved, but i couldn't do it myself, it would take a committed few years of yoga to get at the angle necessary. fast forward, me bent over my couch enduring excruciating pain, with her pushing hard around said thorn to coax it out (you may think i'm a wuss, until this happens to you and you'll shout out your sudden understanding).

something in me wanted to just plea mercy and let it take up permanent residence, and then the thought came, sometimes i have to let someone else be strong and help me. sometimes i have to be the one face down, heal up being helped if you will. i can't exactly explain it, but it had to do with this uber efficient place in me that is overly independent and not used to receiving. and truth is, through the pain it was nice, completing, to have her, who i love and trust so much, have a way through the iron clad self sufficiency of me.

so my point is that sometimes the thorns of life are good; it's when life suddenly punctures us that we have this opportunity to let people in and open up to new possibilities inside ourselves and to the subtle, open way we can connect with others.

yes, all this from a thorn in my heel. :*) ha.

so pb&jelly jam. i had an off the wall thought this week after hearing that there's been local food bank shortages and crisis's, that we could make sandwiches and give them out on skid row. buddha knows why, but liz said yes. it was wild. downtown los angeles, end of sunday was like a world from a dystopia film of the barren future. there were only five types of people milling around the long desolate streets, po-po safe in cars (cops), homeless, an occasional small group of 14k clad ghetto boys hawking crack, street side preachers, and two white girls with a bag of pb&j's.

at first i was actually nervous. which is new for me. as i'm pretty ninja about these things. to which liz just popped out to the first person before i even parked, "hey you want a free samy man?" she was impressive.

it was a rich experience. people are hungry. and generous. a few people who already had stowed away Styrofoam guarded food wanted us to save the samy's for some of the others who had nothing. out of dozens that we gave to only one actually asked for paper money. there was such incredible gratitude and sorta shock.

several streets were just overwhelmed with homeless. on one there was a line formed, at the head of the line was a street preacher with a loud speaker. what a phenomenon. the new church. happening on asphalt to the desperate. i guess you have to agree with their god to be awarded with food? not sure. there was another group sitting in chairs in a circle outside listening to a preacher. one woman i gave a samy to said automatically, "and with jesus christ i'll take this food."

it does seem to have gotten worse in number with the drop in the economy. i used to shoot photography in the middle of the night in downtown years ago, and i have to say, there just wasn't this sea of people. it was particularly tough to see this man who looked like he was pretty newly on the street with his daughter. maybe that's just my interpretation.

anyway. coming home, pulling the key out for my door, to open a space that is all my own. a safe, happy, comforting place with food and options and entertainment, it felt quitely different today unlocking that door.

so. thorns in heels and pb&j. listen, not that i'm all bleeding heart. i also went to a gorgeous party this weekend and what else? read. wrote. meditated. man i do sound boring! ha. i love it. you should of read my old travel journals. that.was.wild. now "wild" is the ride i take on the inside. it used to constantly be on the outside. granted my business is wild, but even that, even in it's most gregarious, death defying dives and risks feels somehow... calm. balanced in a totally perplexing way. :*)

box of vitamin chair

i need a new chair at work, for months i sat on top a drawer of vitamins, which has now been subbed out for a hip 1970's butcher block chair - cool but not comfy. there are certain things i just don't have decorum for. that being one of them. i've had a friend offer to supply me with a new chair as the sight of leaning into my "seat" and pulling out pharmacological magic and other wonders of the vitamin world creeped him out too much.

so. we are back from nyc. you can read about that at my other blog ::
www.thejackrabbitcollection.com

i've been listening to zencast on ipod and it has been rooting me.

on sunday i was on a walk and i had this thought, "will there ever be a day where i am as happy as a couple as i am single?" my mind drifting off imagining me doing my happy-single-sunday routine in the presence of a well-matched other. in fantasy it feels just natural, genuine, easy, even better - then in my vision i start to cry realizing i'm finally as happy with someone as i am on my own. then he notices this epiphany in me and asks me to marry him to which i say "i'd be honored." i know. quite the little imagination of how it's supposed to be. but honestly - why not - i've held fast to the vision of the life i want with work, previously feeling like i fit no where in life, until honesty and courage stumbled me into this entirely fufilled career that i love.

it's just unreal - i'm so easily happy on my own. i'm undisturbingly healthy, focused, balanced. then then then i sink into a something and i feel some comfort sap out my natural life momentum and i just get...deflated slightly. is this partial to the person i'm coagulating with or is just me? and how much am i sounding like carry bradshaw? my x (particularly) thinks its just me. ha! well then. thank you for sharing darling.

so this week i decided i'm on the veggie and fruit ONLY "diet" with a side of extra working out. i've chunked out in my midsection. fast forward days later after said oath to Wholefoods, cookie aisle and i'm thinking, "ya know. that's just silly. the only way to peace is total acceptance, and the more i resist something, the more i fuel obsession and it just won't work." off i go, cookies in hand.

but it's true with me. when i'm just plain happy, balanced and too busy to care, my body sets into place just fine. it's when i get microscopic that i gain, no matter what. i've just been busy lately and i've been .. BOOZEY mcqeee. which can be blamed on guys friends. and all friends really. speaking of we have an event this weekend. hmmm - should i go with the velvet maroon mini-dress? scarf, jeans and hot top? is velvet maroon even in season? shouldn't i know this? :)

today in the car - i was thinking, hmmm. i feel pretty calm. i've made new choices to contribute to this. it's nice, as my "life" as it is packaged is never calm-encouraging. at work i've instituted de-stress friday once a month or so where a new staffer picks something riddddicccculous to do for de-stresss. like taking half day. pajama day. arts, crafts and booze hour. i know. you want to come work here now donchya? i had to do the de-stress, my youngest coordinator had so much stress she got a stomach ulcer. man. what do i do to these people?
xoxox ninja chick.