Ninja Chick Blog

sun.day

2008-07-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

so i got a vicious, invincible thorn in my heel yesterday, and i thought, well, it'll work itself out. and it didn't. it only lodged itself deeper into the epicenter of my foot until walking was barely optional. lizard (liz - best friend) was over after our first ever pb & jelly jam (more on that in a mo') and i considered letting her have a go at pushing the thorn out. see here's the skinny, i'm someone who does things myself, it's not easy to let someone do something like this for me. i don't like trusting someone else when inflicting pain and solving problems regarding body are involved, but i couldn't do it myself, it would take a committed few years of yoga to get at the angle necessary. fast forward, me bent over my couch enduring excruciating pain, with her pushing hard around said thorn to coax it out (you may think i'm a wuss, until this happens to you and you'll shout out your sudden understanding).

something in me wanted to just plea mercy and let it take up permanent residence, and then the thought came, sometimes i have to let someone else be strong and help me. sometimes i have to be the one face down, heal up being helped if you will. i can't exactly explain it, but it had to do with this uber efficient place in me that is overly independent and not used to receiving. and truth is, through the pain it was nice, completing, to have her, who i love and trust so much, have a way through the iron clad self sufficiency of me.

so my point is that sometimes the thorns of life are good; it's when life suddenly punctures us that we have this opportunity to let people in and open up to new possibilities inside ourselves and to the subtle, open way we can connect with others.

yes, all this from a thorn in my heel. :*) ha.

so pb&jelly jam. i had an off the wall thought this week after hearing that there's been local food bank shortages and crisis's, that we could make sandwiches and give them out on skid row. buddha knows why, but liz said yes. it was wild. downtown los angeles, end of sunday was like a world from a dystopia film of the barren future. there were only five types of people milling around the long desolate streets, po-po safe in cars (cops), homeless, an occasional small group of 14k clad ghetto boys hawking crack, street side preachers, and two white girls with a bag of pb&j's.

at first i was actually nervous. which is new for me. as i'm pretty ninja about these things. to which liz just popped out to the first person before i even parked, "hey you want a free samy man?" she was impressive.

it was a rich experience. people are hungry. and generous. a few people who already had stowed away Styrofoam guarded food wanted us to save the samy's for some of the others who had nothing. out of dozens that we gave to only one actually asked for paper money. there was such incredible gratitude and sorta shock.

several streets were just overwhelmed with homeless. on one there was a line formed, at the head of the line was a street preacher with a loud speaker. what a phenomenon. the new church. happening on asphalt to the desperate. i guess you have to agree with their god to be awarded with food? not sure. there was another group sitting in chairs in a circle outside listening to a preacher. one woman i gave a samy to said automatically, "and with jesus christ i'll take this food."

it does seem to have gotten worse in number with the drop in the economy. i used to shoot photography in the middle of the night in downtown years ago, and i have to say, there just wasn't this sea of people. it was particularly tough to see this man who looked like he was pretty newly on the street with his daughter. maybe that's just my interpretation.

anyway. coming home, pulling the key out for my door, to open a space that is all my own. a safe, happy, comforting place with food and options and entertainment, it felt quitely different today unlocking that door.

so. thorns in heels and pb&j. listen, not that i'm all bleeding heart. i also went to a gorgeous party this weekend and what else? read. wrote. meditated. man i do sound boring! ha. i love it. you should of read my old travel journals. that.was.wild. now "wild" is the ride i take on the inside. it used to constantly be on the outside. granted my business is wild, but even that, even in it's most gregarious, death defying dives and risks feels somehow... calm. balanced in a totally perplexing way. :*)

2008-06-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

hi! our first guest blogger is coming in from emily of nyc - the incredible designer behind Aidan Mattox, she's a genius chef and one of the most full of life women i know. here's her thoughts on this friday.
-----------------------
I have never blogged before.
Or kept a written diary as a little girl – although I owned several. All with a cutie gold heart shaped lock or a puffy hello kitty on the cover.
I was always uncertain of who I was writing to. Me? I felt funny in a pretentious way writing about myself: like I was important enough for someone to someday want to read what I had written. – Because I never believed that I was really just writing for myself.
Ahhh. But now I have been asked to share. I think it is because I have a husband that I really like.
We are going to a luau tonight. My girlfriend has just completed a full round of chemo and a mastectomy. And she is feeling well enough to host a bbq. So I said – let’s make it a luau!
I have bought grass skirts, flower necklaces, coconut bras (this is a sensitive situation – I ordered without thinking and will likely leave the coconut bras in my office) and all the ingredients for maitais! I asked her husband to download some don ho but he was unable to find any. I am suspicious that he thinks he cannot bear to listen to a whole evening of it so has decided to tell me he just can’t find it. He is British so I think the Hawaiian thing is just too relaxed for him.
The luau is in Harlem (nyc) on top of a roof. I will be the only white person on the subway on my way there and when I get off the subway, people will shout at me ‘hey white girl, watchu doin around here?!’
And I am going to give them my broadway smile and pretend I don’t speak English. This tends to work quite well. Usually people actually smile back.
Aloha! Have a great weekend.
-------------------------------------------

spill it my loves

2008-06-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

morning!

i had this soft morning. tired just enough to be porous, receptive. and i had this feeling, the subtle touch of something that said 'it's all coming together. it's settling in.' the second thought struck me quick - you are a *very* funny girl mo - as my eruptive, colorful life is far from 'settled'. ha! but this feeling (the quiet in the middle of the storm) was distinct, that there are certain BIG internal hurtles that that have settled in, past. i just had an image of me on an english horse riding course swiftly vaulting on my own over the green covered obstacles. there has been soooo much in the last year that challenged me and so much feels solid in a surprising, new way. i nearly want to say, peacefully ready. :*)

last night the girls and i had a jewelry making party at the studio. it was fun, break out all our fun-stock and create things. i made a complete disaster like multi-colored chain threw up on my chest and i love it. i really love my team, this morning i was thinking, it's all our brand. it's been built and shaped by everyone invited in. it's such a team and such a community here. we have a bit too much fun.

ooo - also i'm going to open this forum up and invite in guest ninja bloggers to tip tap type in their thoughts. so! blog-on my lovelies, i'm going to email a few of you to get us started. we'll do topic driven, or you pick what you want to chat on, or spin off what i've brought up... i'll make it easy to start, you just have to email me your post and i'll throw it up...
iamaninja@ninjachick.com
only one single most important rule - there are no rules. a life of a warrior is one of vivrant humaness, not perfection. so spill it!

xo - mo

love is a state of action, not a place of arrival

2008-06-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

hiya. if only you could see my spazzed out hair today. it's 70's style headbanded, feathered out post morning walk.

thinking about Love. for my east side book club we just read erich fromm's "the art of loving." points out that society's idea of love is that it's something arrived at when in perfect union. "us against the world." something shared uniquely among two. and i would of tended to agree. even if it was 'us' as in my family. or my best friend. or my wild crew of rabbits at the studio. the point fromm makes is that love is something cultivated within, it's a way of travel if you will, and not a destination. hence, it's something (as a goal) that you grow within and share everywhere. and when you do love an individual, you are actually loving all parts of life reflected within them.

i'm feelin' it! then i was listening to my zencast (search for it on itunes to download free) and gils (zencast teacher) was talking about metta - or the practice of loving kindness. the practice of first identifying love within and growing it outwards to loved ones, then eventually to everyone, everything. seems best starting as a seed planted, then watered daily, and then love as activity. practices of love (like right now i'm practicing love by being patient stopping to answer the dozenth q' from an intern). :*)

seminary students were instructed to cross campus and give a talk on being a good samaritan. the school were actually conducting a little experiment and in the students path they placed a person moaning in need. when they were told to rush, you'll be late, no one stopped to help. when they were told to take their time, some stopped. giving of time, expanding time, taking time, valuing others existence is love in action.

gils (zencast teacher) also spoke of his young son who for some reason all of the sudden had this incredible beaming smile for some stranger, as if it was his most favorite person in the entire world, sprouting light out of his little face. and the stranger didn't even notice, frowning on through life. that is what meditation is about, freeing up mind, to stay in the thick of the moment, noticing the smile given so freely. i was sorta beaming a bit on my walk this morning and i noticed how many faces it caught and spread. i made a lot of male gardeners *very* happy this morning. hahah.

anyway. love as an action. thought of the day.

ps just looked up "metta" - has also been translated as "active interest in others."

dangerous

2008-05-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

morning. i'm dangerously happy.

was just listening to a zencast (zen talks from nor cal zen center over my iphone) about time. linear time, the depth and breadth of time. i need to listen to it again when i have more ... time. :*) one thing i know, i always feel as if i have so little of the stuff. but happiness. what is it comprised of? just ignited bursts of brain chemistry triggered by outside "good-things?" it's interesting, as i settle into my skin more and more i try to relate to happiness not by the oceanic currents of outside good-things (or droughts), but by something deeper on the inside. but that sounds so mysterious and much like words overheard repetitively at a bryan kest yoga class. so what is it to be happy from a source other than that caused from an onslaught of good news, i have a feeling it has to do with experiencing joy in the mundane, or at least being present in the everyday, nearly every moment. what i do know is i'm finding myself happy on my couch at dusk just staring at the dusty dark lavender sky. i think (for a busy-body like me) that is a fine warrior's start.

:*)

secret park

2008-04-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

good morning!! had a beautiful morning walk. i'm lucky to be able to spend a lot of time in nyc and get doses of city city city and have the best of LA, living right next to one of LA's richest, virtually secret parks with long hilly paths and stoic, tall trees, plump ones with meandering leaves gyrating slightly in the streams of sun.

last night i went for yucatan with a lebanese twist, in macarthur park (cracka'town). then a play about a couple fighting to figure out attraction to each other after 25 years of marriage. it was hilarious and makes me hesitant to age any more. but that's the fate we all are falling into. le sigh. :*)

tip-o-da-day

2008-04-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

hi hi hi!!

i got a request for a ninja tip of the day.

tip-o-da-day:::
spend one moment today to really connect with someone old fashion style. not by email, not by anything using technology. we are talking a hand written letter -(i would be so excited to get a hand written letter in the mail alongside my piles of bills i tend to ignore). or an in person conversation where there's lots of listening, hearing, sharing and maintaining eye contact.

man that can be hard for me. i can get shockingly quite shy when it comes to the eyes.

hhhmmm i'm eating a pear with honey! speaking of honey - my dad is a bee keeper. seriously how fkg cool is my dad?

both my parents - at some point i turned the corner from resentment and walls to openness and appreciation for who they are as humans. i tell the actual epiphany hospital style tale in the book.

i was sharing with my dad that the book i'm currently writing takes place in the jungle of brazil and he said, 'let's go!' and i'm like, 'wtf? really? that would be so cool.' honestly? there's no one i'd rather go with. most of my friends, i'm afraid, couldn't go as fast and gritty as i'd adventure. and although i'm dating several neeto guys, none that are foreign country worthy (yet). my dad is the man in my life! and it's so very cool that he wants to support that part in me. i've been nose deep in library books and although i'm an imaginative person, it would be so much stickier and tangible to be immersed. the funny part is the area i want to go to is the most peculiar and unglamourous. naturally. but it's where the story takes place. wow.

my parents are so cool. so individual. so respectable. both of them. so supportive and kind and generous and open. such a gift in my life to share with them.

expand

2008-04-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

good mornin' ninjas. i'm taking a friend on a food adventure this morning. i'll tell you where later - shhh secret.

ninja tip of the day :: always expand. if you're not expanding - your retracting. say yes to invitations this week. make plans for something entirely odd. in between bursts of sweet expansion, take some nesting time. i value more and more my quiet nesting time. i'm always so on the go go go, but when i finally quiet down? that's when the super cool thoughts have time to sink in and ferment.

xoxo :*)

2008-03-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

do it! do it! put your back into it!

take the carbon use test - what kind of carbon footprint are you leaving the earth by way of your living?
http://bie.berkeley.edu/calculator

xoxoxo

anonymously kindly ninja

2008-03-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

so i just did a very keen act of almost random kindness - but given that it has to be anonymous - (see chapter "Give" in Ninja Chick) i can't divulge. :**)

eco tip of the day - get your tire pressure checked! you consume oodles more oil with low aired tires. alleviate that and you'll be flying right, filling up less and polluting less.

we have a caterpillar project at work, i'll post pix at the other blog as i can't easily post pix here :: www.thejackrabbitcollection.com a blog about the bags, the belts, the fashion industry and behind the scenes to the everyday insanity of having a business.

xo - ninja

metabolizing tragedy

2008-03-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

all i'm sayin' is that janis joplin had a set of pipes on her.

the only other thing i'm sayin' is man'o'man are my tuckers (read:feet) tinky.

so here's a topic. metabolizing tragedy. a how to....

i was at the library, pulling some research books on brazils illegal exotic animal trade (for a story i'm writing). two pages in to this one book and i'm cracked shards of shell, gooey sadness oozing out. images of the several beautiful monkeys skinned and hung by traders for a quick dollar. an image of another monkey, white face, downturned mouth and desolate eyes, still alive behind bars in transport, up to half of the wild animals trapped for export in the pet trade die in transit. what a waste of beings.

this. just. kills. me.

and if i were to dip the toe into all that one can notice about the world, i'd be drowning in reality. environmental ruin. little girls torn from homes into sex trade, should i go on? complete sensitivity to the worlds devastation would make a human just crack. i believe that's where creatives go mad, it's from that same core space where their sensitivity pools that they create, and if they submerge too deep in that place they become lost to the world.

some act in grave defiance (or is it ignorance) to the stark world around them and barrel around in Humvee's, using a styrofoam cup for a sip of water and throwing it away a dozen times a day, telling the rest of the world to stop huggin the fucking tree's. maybe in this brazen annihilation of the truth one can sleep at night, one can sink away into high thread-count sheets and forget about those that lay in dirt and starve tonight.

i get it. i do. i sit here in my humble abundance eating a melted yummy situation, with more than enough of assorted "things" filling up my senses. the is not to feel guilty about what we have and lurk in depression about all that is wrong, but it's also not keen to swing into a blinding surface-savvy oblivion either.

aaa so somewhere in the middle?

how to live in the middle? it's easier to loose my nose to a magazine and ponder all the pretty things of life, harder to touch into those pools of sadness about how damn wrong the world has become. and what can i do here? tangled up in the american way, where consumption and use precede my every step? i've wanted to turn down the cafe who serves on styrofoam, until i'm DYING for a cup of joe. sigh. it is time to do all i can. unrelentingly. and that is difficult. i don't know if you've noticed but i have an accessory company. a leather (dead animal) based accessory company. a fashion consumption company.

hold on a second. i need a cocktail if we are going to get into this.
hold pls.

---0-0

k. so where were we. dead animals. yes. in terms of my business, when i started it, i checked into using other non-animal materials, and they were far more toxic to the environment. also, what we use is strictly meat-industry after market. if ya'all want to cease eating beef, then we talk. until then, i follow the native cultures thoughts that we are at the very least respecting the animal by using all parts of it. and we are entirely fair labor, hand made in los angeles by families we know and like.

my other thought is that early on in my career i worked in the non-profit world. and lemme tell you - very political, unprogressive and let's just say ... muddy. during that time i was at a cafe in mexico, and this family who owned it, had so much heart, so much kindness and joy that it freeking emanated, you left with a blazing smile shining from your heart. it was then i decided that you don't have to join the peace core to save the world (although that's super), but you can touch the world by choosing how to be in it, weaving consciousness and kindness in what ever it is you do. and lemme tell you, fashion needs love and kindness. humans in every corner of the world do. the granddaughter of our neighborhood alcoholic (at the studio) needs a surprise holiday gift from my staff, the car washers across the street need an extra smile. the man at the library ringing me up needs an extra laugh. it's in the infectious ways we can shape the face of the world today.

yes. it definitely needs hell'of'a'lot more. yes i hear you my ferocious ninja warriors. but we can start there. with that seed that we all can plant and water daily. then we can start to also refuse styrofoam, help our brethren to understand oil consumption and pollution issues of SUV's, help our offices to recycle better, help our governments to set up more efficient, understandable methods to support recycling, demand fair labor products, carpool, bus or bike it! switch from clay based to recycled pine of recycled paper cat litter. switch to energy efficient light bulbs, turn things off when your not using them. plant more trees, feed people when they are hungry.

so at the very least (while acknowledging the place that some of use have the fortune of living in) we can be gently aware of the rest of the world, conscious of it instead of purposefully blind to cushion the sad tugging of reality. we can be aware and begin to weave solution and kindness into anything and everything we can. with a smile to a stranger or inciting a riot to protect a civil right. we begin and practice this daily. this is the warriors way.

by the way. i miss my dad. he left today to take my half brother to belize. and i have these incredible (hopefully irrational) fears that i'll loose him. hopefully by saying it, it certainly won't happen. i just am soooo slow. to get things. i'm just lucky to have my parents around to share life with, as an adult, now that resentment and walls have softened and fallen. it's great to know them. i just miss them as they have been several states away for over a decade now.

xo - ninja

monday? really?

2008-03-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday was sips of mimosa flavored heaven. i made eggs benny for a few friends, then one friend and i went to the park behind my house. it was unreal the amount of humans littering the green. it was like one of those shots of an overcrowded beach.

as we and this other big cool group were leaving we noticed two of the women picking up trash. it was so ninja. to take that kind of sticky responsibility. we joined in. i couldn't believe the Styrofoamed, candy wrapped plastic crap people leave. shades of bright lilac, sweet pink, baby blue scattering the pointed bold green. it's amazing that people thrash the park thinking that someone will clean up after them. like the earth is one big trash barrel, "just throw it on the ground."

anyway - i was supposed to do random acts of anonymous kindness this weekend, now the good thing about that is its anonymous - so i couldn't tell you if i did or didn't. but let's just say my intentions are good. :*)

good friday

2008-03-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

it's 10.29 a.m. and i'm already craving a messy tuna melt.

aaaaa - my secret weakness! (one of).

i suddenly realized it's a holiday. my thoughts on the matter? "arg i have to slow down work? really?" maybe the girls and i will color eggs today at lunch. my real thought on the holiday is that its a nice opportunity to do some random, anonymous acts of kindness. gifts to the world, packaged to individuals.

i went to the symphony last night. it was beautiful, there was a young, incredible violinist janine jansen. i love to see another creator so passionate that their body vibrates with intensity. she had a solid physical grace, must be a ninja indeed.

so anyway. random acts of kindness. it's my weekend mission. :*) hope it can be yours as well and by monday, there will shine a bit more light.

too much cheese

2008-03-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

so tonight. for dinner. let's discuss.

on the way to the down town los angeles public library with anna - i had half a serious doughnut and a very large ice blended sugar full of sin.

home. tomatoes buried in a sea of melted cheese. more cheese. orange juice. when i was little i used to run around in my diapers with a stick of sharp cheddar in one hand and a glass of oj in the other. nothing.ever.changes.

anna and i went to the library to cruise old fashion rags for touches and details for new designs. it was so fun. rich. 1920's, 40's and 60/70's was my focus. weird to look at the time my grandma was around. did she flip through those pages? aaaa, oops, there's a moment bubbling up. i miss her. it's a very strange thing. this sort of loss. at first its so damn stark. blatant and cutting. abrupt. no goodbye. fighting to remember the very last casual phone conversation, grasping at the edges of anything tangible.
.... and then. there's that feeling, the inescapability of permanence. that this is one of those odd doors that once closed you just can't see back. time slides by and something feels missing, like a friend you;ve let too much time pass without catching up. too much life flutters by, a film projected before your eyes and the person had left the room. and feelings of my head laying in her safe lap on that sweet blue and yellow couch drift so far away. those german hands and their awkward intimacy. the protection. man. i don't know where this has come from and i've had way too much cheese to be having this moment.

:*) holy shit i miss them. that smarts. my grandma was just...so much to me. and she never got to see any of this. and whats more? i don't ever know that i *see* it either. it just rolls right off my skin like water on the back of a duck. that is apparently good for the unquenchable thirst of momentum, of moving my business forward. but ... hmm...at some point. maybe i'd like to just feel a bit of it? weird. just none of it sticks to me. not the first time i was written up. or an award. it all just is for the momentum. there are private times tho, that in the quietest places inside i've been proud, or rather, deeply content. the first time i brought my collection (of photography at the time) to a gallery. before i knew the owner would do a show with me or not, as i drove over, i, for myself, felt deeply happy. that i was able to ... state it i guess. say what i was there for. willing to risk. willing to share. and most importantly, willing beyond yes's, past possible no's. hmmm. another time i was deeply satisfied was when (hold yourself, this is about to sound very crunchy-west-coast) i was surfing and there was this wave, "the one," it was huge and terrifying and perfect. and it lead right to a death defying rock bed and i happened to not have my surf leash on, so it would of been bad to take it and loose both myself and my board to the rocks. that split decision. i went and it was the best ride ever. i just barely cleared it, but i did.

after i had my thyroid removed, and started my business, i stopped surfing. it's like they cut out the physical devil-may-care from me when they sliced right into my neck. :*) no. that part of me just shifted a bit, more into a centered focus on business, rather than just wildly chasing adrenaline. hmmm. i wonder when i'll be willing to do that with love? certainly not so much right at the very moment really. not that i know of anyway. hahah. there's just so much i need to do right now first. but i'd like to be more courageous with that as well (at some point).

i miss my grandma. i remember when she passed, when i got the call. my aunt. and i collapsed to the kitchen floor to a puddle of tears. and then i drove 100 mph past traffic in the service lane to san diego to arrive when she was all but a body pumped through a machine. i couldn't feel her at all. then i gathered myself and drove back and went right back to work. i'll really never forget that day. i was doing massage to support the founding of my business. and it was a private client, it was the young millionaires club party. (i know). and everyone was in such a different planet than i was right then. it just reminds me, when i'm at the library tonight with anna saying to her, 'can you believe, this is what we do for a living - its just so g damn fun,' that i've worked really incredibly hard to be here. 2 jobs at a time hard.

and again, i seriously have had way too much cheese. i just wish i could just say hi. just a hug. just an hour to catch up. see how the other side is living. large i assume. :*)

xoxoxox the ninja

2008-03-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

today, this morning, i am so happy to be alive. i just got back from a morning walk where i discovered a brand new path that is just beautiful. how lucky am i to have working legs, a safe place to sleep (near a gorgeous secret park in the midst of a major metropolis), and a healthful array of unique cheeses and rich wines at my disposal. achaaa! what more?

feeling content. which i'm sure will dissipate with in the first twenty emergencies that will bubble up at work. :) the enjoyable part is i've actually acclimated now to it's gyrations. i'm calmer through so much that i used to loose my noodles over. it's like you can't get a rise out of me anymore. which is good, as it ignites a deep craving in me. a craving to up the anty here. a smile inches up my face. i love my "work."

on my walk there was a woman with a heard of sweet dogs. i'm a dog girl so immediately i was surrounded by panting fur faces. one of them i went to pet and he immediately jerked his head away, afraid and guarded. what i didn't see was his missing eye, and the deep wounded crevice that was there in it's place. once i bent down and let his good eye see my hand, let him sniff a bit, then he offered me his head. it made me think of people. that sometimes we don't see someones wound. we may reach for them and they respond from a place of hidden missing parts. you may not always know, see what the reason behind someones knee jerking reactions, yet the warrior, even when among the most difficult people, will fight to understand their missing eye. we all have broken bits and maybe in the calmness of understanding others, we can comprehend and gently carry our own with an acceptance inside.

xo -- xo

box of vitamin chair

2008-03-04T14:28:00.000-08:00

i need a new chair at work, for months i sat on top a drawer of vitamins, which has now been subbed out for a hip 1970's butcher block chair - cool but not comfy. there are certain things i just don't have decorum for. that being one of them. i've had a friend offer to supply me with a new chair as the sight of leaning into my "seat" and pulling out pharmacological magic and other wonders of the vitamin world creeped him out too much.

so. we are back from nyc. you can read about that at my other blog ::
www.thejackrabbitcollection.com

i've been listening to zencast on ipod and it has been rooting me.

on sunday i was on a walk and i had this thought, "will there ever be a day where i am as happy as a couple as i am single?" my mind drifting off imagining me doing my happy-single-sunday routine in the presence of a well-matched other. in fantasy it feels just natural, genuine, easy, even better - then in my vision i start to cry realizing i'm finally as happy with someone as i am on my own. then he notices this epiphany in me and asks me to marry him to which i say "i'd be honored." i know. quite the little imagination of how it's supposed to be. but honestly - why not - i've held fast to the vision of the life i want with work, previously feeling like i fit no where in life, until honesty and courage stumbled me into this entirely fufilled career that i love.

it's just unreal - i'm so easily happy on my own. i'm undisturbingly healthy, focused, balanced. then then then i sink into a something and i feel some comfort sap out my natural life momentum and i just get...deflated slightly. is this partial to the person i'm coagulating with or is just me? and how much am i sounding like carry bradshaw? my x (particularly) thinks its just me. ha! well then. thank you for sharing darling.

so this week i decided i'm on the veggie and fruit ONLY "diet" with a side of extra working out. i've chunked out in my midsection. fast forward days later after said oath to Wholefoods, cookie aisle and i'm thinking, "ya know. that's just silly. the only way to peace is total acceptance, and the more i resist something, the more i fuel obsession and it just won't work." off i go, cookies in hand.

but it's true with me. when i'm just plain happy, balanced and too busy to care, my body sets into place just fine. it's when i get microscopic that i gain, no matter what. i've just been busy lately and i've been .. BOOZEY mcqeee. which can be blamed on guys friends. and all friends really. speaking of we have an event this weekend. hmmm - should i go with the velvet maroon mini-dress? scarf, jeans and hot top? is velvet maroon even in season? shouldn't i know this? :)

today in the car - i was thinking, hmmm. i feel pretty calm. i've made new choices to contribute to this. it's nice, as my "life" as it is packaged is never calm-encouraging. at work i've instituted de-stress friday once a month or so where a new staffer picks something riddddicccculous to do for de-stresss. like taking half day. pajama day. arts, crafts and booze hour. i know. you want to come work here now donchya? i had to do the de-stress, my youngest coordinator had so much stress she got a stomach ulcer. man. what do i do to these people?
xoxox ninja chick.

deadline

2008-01-30T19:44:00.001-08:00

our new collection of handbags are turning out goregous!! against all odds (including our manufacturer almost backing out as he's completely overbooked). but we worked our ninja magic powers and he's back on board to complete our set. we've been working around the clock, midnight nearly every night.

it's been very fun and gratifying. you just get bursts of excitement when you see a vision become a real live piece.

Cheers - ninja chick

big gulp

2008-01-27T13:09:00.000-08:00

there is torrential rain pouring down. for days, on and off, like nothing i've seen before in LA.

these next two weeks are going to be nuts. we are sampling a whole season in a week, and shooting with a full crew and then shooting it for catalog. gulp. the prototypes can have nearly no revisions, imperfections. it has to be like clockwork. my production head and i will be working around the clock. wish us luck!!!!!!! then we are off to nyc. seriously gulp. we were under the gun like this last time too, but i think we have even less time this time.

business as usual.

2008-01-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

did i happen to mention that each day as a soul owner of a business is a total gift of surprises, both tender, ellating and irritating? welll, today's nice delight is the power completely out -- and won't be up for seven hours. its a black out on our studio block from the sobbing rains.

so. coffee in hand, en route - had to re-route and take over a friends home office. invasion of the fashionista's! it's fun. we're a very adaptable group. at my coffee spot the barista said 'oh you must be so excited! day off!' i'm like ... o hells no. we were all collectively panicked to loose a day of work. we simply can't. way too much to rock on!

everything all at once

2008-01-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

everything all at once, all the time. - entrepreneurial life motto.

i swear, every single moment running this business is entirely unique - incredible heights, enriching lessons, catapulting fun, and insane challenges that have brought me to to the floor.

today has been a good day. we are finishing our second season of bags in time for show and it's caaa-raaazzy. of course. we have to make 6 body styles and shoot them (come up with the shoot concept) and then shoot them separately for the catalog (and design and put together the catalog) and then fly with with them and dozens of other stuff to nyc. in two weeks. that normally takes months. but we are game. and the body styles are gorgeous, we are all very excited about them. i can't wait to show these.

(you can see why i don't have time to date).

teaching

2008-01-23T11:56:00.001-08:00

quote from "the way of the peaceful warrior" by dan millman::

"'love is not something to be understood; it can only be lived.'"

the character in the book realizes that his mentor/sage/teacher has been giving to him, training him extremely hard physically, never letting up a moment even though he silently had a heart condition. he never pulled back. he gave everything. to which the mentor said, 'better to live until you die'..'i am a warrior, so my way is action. i am a teacher, so i teach by example. some day you may teach others as i have taught you - then you'll understand that words are not enough; you, too, must teach by example what you've realized through experience.'"

midnight dinners and dancing sugar elves in my dreams

2008-01-22T06:41:00.001-08:00

wake up first thing.

mind says, "why. why the bacon. really? were alllll those bits o' bacon necessary drowning out all the pretty little leaves? ... and then the cookies. really? twelve triple ginger mini's? right before i hit sack?" last night thoroughly ready for slumbeeville about to be carted off to freudian fueled dream-land i'm fading out and suddenly i have a surge - a sugar surge. like a peculiar jolt of injected perky-alert ... what humoured me most was that i had the audacity to wonder why.

ninja. in progress.

:)

2008-01-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

hiya.

burrrrrr i'm freezing. one time i took lizard (bff supreme) to the beijing modern dance troop's interpretation of the full album of "the wall." it's her favorite of all time so i "inspired" the press office to give us two tickets - midway through the show i looked over at her and she just had tears streaming down. she's a cool bird that one. not a cryer. and every now and then, she'll let me see. see her. isn't it amazing, i *want* to see, i'm her bff, the safest person of all to see and yet deep inside there are voices of conviction in most of us, "don't show someone this, who wants to see it anyway?" "why burden someone?" because it's a seriously cool gift that's why! i'm honored by someone feeling safe enough to share with me.

a funny thing happened when my book came out ... in it i share (slightly mortifying) stories about myself to illuminate the six secrets of the ninja. i'd notice that there were certain people who knew me for quite a while and always had some sort of candy coated social distance yet after they read these (embarrassing) intimacies about me, they quickly endeared themselves a lot more. i had not changed, they had not changed to me, but all the sudden they snuggled on up. it was peculiar, and enjoyable.

it's amazing - the walls we hide behind. palaces around the self. firing spit wads at fellows and ducking behind red bricked safety. intricate, coded passwords required for entrance, "we'll lower the castle gate if thou shalt be tall, gregarious, honest, smart enough to fix my problems, and smarter still not to tell me how ... if thou will never speak strong words, catch the hives of insecurity and breakout flirting with everyone in a five mile radius, will ever be in a foul mood or invariably human whats so ever - amen and welcome."

another brick in the wall. and o how they are built.

it's the one thing we all seem to want - love - and it's the one thing we all seem to shield ourselves most ferociously from - the chance at it.

and me? i'm no hero. a ninja - hell yes. a hero - hell no. sometimes my wall is so perfectly built i can't see beyond it even on my tippy toes. someone (and you know who you are - :*)) emailed me today about the wall that climbed up around them recently, surrounded by a murky moat of wounding. i get'it. i dig. there have been times when the whirl-winds of life slaaaammm me to the ground and leave a whipping, skin-scorching, grammatically correct email in my in-box in its wake. and my response to that? hide, well. life throws me down? i say - "falker, thattt's all you got?? i can do better." and that's just plain not right or ninja-ly. truly, my instinctive response to a blow dealt by life is to quite agree with it's aim and stay down for the count.

i like the ninja brother MLK Jr's end of one speech "If you can't fly, run; if you can't run, walk; if you can't walk, crawl, but by all means keep moving." warriordom is all about movement. it's about staying in. what is the "in" you are begging off, inching out of the room, spreading grout, adding brick, keeping you from him, from her, it, that, they, all?

yes it sucks when people are nasty, hissing cruelty in terse, anger infused verbs and nouns poured like draino, taking everything down with it. and it's impossible for me to smoke sugar out my nose and purr, "they didn't mean it, i believe in their best intentions." no. not so much. sometimes, honestly, i believe in peoples worst intentions. i believe they did indeed actually mean to scratch with that claw drawn. but here's the path of the warrior, not necessarily to put on the "positivity blinders" and think blindingly bright thoughts over all shadows, no, sometimes shadows are our teachers! in ourselves and in others. the path of the warrior is to see these dark spots in others and in ourselves, notice it, and then work to find a way to accept it, to forgive them or yourself. self/you/he/she. we.

the real coagulation happens when i tangle up with the very dark pit of someone and am somehow left bloody from it and am able to say, "okay, that's really shit of you. but alrighty. you must really be hurt, in a loootttaa pain." when i love someone i don't want them to be in pain. the compassion comes from being able to see past my own stone facade and see, understand where their tentacled roots have dug deep into the soil of their past and can only allow them to sprout protectiveness, biting words, defensive reactions, withdrawn wilting. to see that they are just human, and "best intentions" so set aside, they are fallible and f***ed up and eccettera. just.like.me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i can forgive you - i can *hope* to forgive me.

so anyway. i hear you. it's tempting to spoil away from the world in a castle top and stew over what "he, she, or the IRS did." i'm right behind you on that. but ... it's just ...sorta ... boring. the scenery never changes when sitting stale in that one, solitary, sedentary, untouchable place.

so.

draw the bridge and invite one in.

xo

---------------------

right now?

drinking:: tangerine juice

thinking:: how cold it is outside and how bad i feel for those who have no where warm to sleep tonight. how can we afford to bomb humans and homes in countries around the globe and yet we can't keep local humans sheltered.

stinking:: cat litter

:*)

honey

2008-01-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

hiya ninj's.

i went on a hike yesterday and i was sorta appalled by my foggy senses. i have this theory, that the more we tumble through life exploring our taste buds, blasting through hot sauced incidents, that inevitably the very expanse of experiences dulls our buds, blurs our sight from streams of constant layers of life.

i've been a wild woman, boundless. right out of college i got a team of women to fund a documentary (that i certainly didn't know how to make) that took me to kathmandu and on a wild, rich adventure. i was constantly seeking heights, deep diving, surging senses, high all the time from experience. the delicious soft touches of something constantly new. saturated colors tickling my sense of sight, adrenaline speed chases on a motorcycle at night in bali, surfing, traveling alone everywhere, staying in the most sketchy area in bangkok - where a rotting wire fenced off a court yard, across which i could see local chinese gangsters toiling over money. large grey underwear drying the night on a line. holes in the light green bedroom wall with hints of marigold on it's edges, sleeping next to my pocket knife and thinking, i like the edge of this experience, to feel secure even here - i can feel safe anywhere. and the breakfast the next morning upstairs in a small, humble "cafe" where all the locals just stared at the white woman until human glances and smiles and barriers broke down and magic tickled in. the "bellboy" dressed in fading pre-war sage colored uniform toured me around the other rooms, the sights and his growing excitement touched every part of my curiosity. in the jungle of northern thailand making out with a french surprise as the moon fell over rice paddies while we were stranded from a storm, swans gliding across the paddied pond, frogs chirping a song. suspense.

this was me. for a decade.

then my business landed me and time passed and i grew subterranean roots, the highs stopped coming from the craze of the outsides but starting reaching inside, leagues deep.

but i wonder -- did all of that living, that adrenaline thrill, all the cultures tasted, the kindness of a stranger in madrid while lost, the curious divisions of old and young in budapest, the pregnant silence of that bowl of borscht while no one spoke the same language but whole stories were told and understood, did that tumbling rolodex of living cause the cities so foreign finally to blur into one single effortless city, finally, slightly indistinguishable from the brilliant next. did i dull my taste buds by trying too much? i remember flying into a new interesting city and i felt the tarnish, i felt the subdued maturity like a weight, like a sack of sand i carried. i didn't get excited like i used to - bubbles that raced to the surface, every glimmer of new information like a pop! pop! pop! bursting.

now i've burrowed into my business and for a year (or years) solid i'm not sure i've taken in or really seen the scenes flying by me. sigh. :) i guess my pendulum swings further than most? i flew so far that way, into tangible, tactile experience, then i hermited myself into a myopic tunnel of creation. stubborn this one!

that question has quietly mulled over in my mind over time - did all that incredible living deaden my senses a bit to new pages turning?

i'm easily charmed by the simplest things in life. plump water drops on a leaf. a smile from a stranger. the waving, rushing stream of black and white fur as a skunk tucks into a bush. but man, i drift away from seeing by the hamster wheeling thoughts of business, lists, nexts, think think think.

the greater challenge isn't in changing life to meet some peaceful imperative - tea drinking, job quitting, hillside soul searching. the greater challenge is in weaving a sense of presence, a way of calm into the speeding river of your life, as it is, today. now.

i don't need to change the scenery, i need to change my sight for seeing it.

as i've been writing this, i had made a plate of fruit. out of habit (the do.er in me, the insistent, multi-tasking, lots to be done person) started charging into the fruit as if there was some goal, place to arrive, complete and move onto the next. woooaaaa, slooowwww. i wasn't even tasting what kind of fruit it was, if you held a gun to my head and asked i wouldn't know.

slow. an apricot, a tender, fibrous, slightly sweet apricot with my dad's bee keepin' honey lightly dropped on top. the first time i tasted the honey from the bee’s he keeps i rushed in a spoonful and thought
"yeah that's cool honey," until my seriously ninja friend tiffany took just a bit, lingered in the moment of it and announced that it was the finest honey she ever tasted. i took a second dip, sloooweerrr this time. hmmm. yeah. hmmm. well shoot-me-in-the-foot, i can taste pedals. i can taste dozens of silky rose pedals, blue colorado wild flowers, i could taste spring.

i want to know how to be here more, in the life i have, for the honey in front of me.

that's the mission of the ninja, to keep the sense's new. The concept of shoshin – (also explored in Ninja Chick), the warriors fresh slated mind. the effort at continual birth. past all the inhibition of memories making new moments stale. there's this zen technique of "naming" moments as a way to stay in them. so brain doesn't float off into thinking-ville. ... typing. typing. biting on lip. breathing in. out. noticing. thinking. ... just as easily the instant can slide away right from under you, or you can stay where your feet are, in the sticky, rich amber colored, pedal flavored moment.

:) love to the warriors.

ready

2008-01-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

hi ninjas.

i had one hellofva week on me. :) it was full on and it's taught me a lot. i'm blown away by my team, my two staffers at my business. they are just the back bone. they are so good. in every way. in their passion, intention, skill sets. i'm softened by them. particularly by what they each offer as they see how incredible the climb can be for me at times. it's UNREAL having a business. it's everything all at once all the time. and if there's anyone on earth ready for that, it's me. but some days? i feel capsized. and i did indeed have one of those days this week. one of the girls said i have a crap poker face. it's like that process when you cook where you heat a broth and seperate the fat, the fear has separated away and has shown itself for what it is. fat! i think the process is called clarifying - and how appropriately so.

i feel ready, completely energized and ready to separate what is fear and what is true and take this all the way. all the way. there's so much energy behind it, support. it's funny tho how in your primary involvements in life your shadows can rise to the surface. they rise to the surface to be seen and released. and my primary commitment now for a while has been my business. so if there's ever something i have to deal with -- like shyness, not being confident etc - then it rears itself in my work and if i don't deal with it, it effects this sacred place i've created, this thing that actually supports a string of other families as well. so the weight of dealing with my own "stuff" actually is heavy, and pertinent. which is cool. it's like an invitation. a constant participation. a friend was considering leaving the country and volunteering for half a year far, far away if that person's film didn't do well or even if it did and they wanted to know my thoughts on the plan. i said that sometimes staying can be more important. that although the other plan is all dressed up as adventure, that sometimes the greater adventure is staying and confronting what's in front of you. failure. success. tangling up in the arms of life. of love. of hurt. of the thousand moments poking gently at your skin.

that.

staying in.

is it.

that's the warriors calm. staying through regardless of result. letting the fire heat up your world enough to see clarification. see what is real and release the rest.

xo L to u. particularly to ohio and chicago. you know who you are and i love you.